i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
