It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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