matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
