my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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