Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
