no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
