I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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