If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
