Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
