guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
