You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
