My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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