I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
