You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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