Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize