What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
