Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
