my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
