OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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