I wish they made helmets for livers.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
