also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Let's get the cat blown out
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
