I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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