She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
