my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
