I'm laying in your front yard are you home
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
