I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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