Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
