1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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