Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
She bit a glass in half.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
