im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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