Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
