Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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