nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
