I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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