my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
