I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Randomize
