We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
