my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual