My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once