I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
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