Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
