Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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