Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
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Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
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We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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