it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
