Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
