god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
