is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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