Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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