She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
