you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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