I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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