There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
