Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
