Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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