the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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