You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
