i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Randomize
